An old manuscript was found in the attic of the legend Migel Nostrildamous, a seer of the 1500s who could smell the future. It is written in his own handwriting and it foretells events in the not-so-distant future. And it doesn’t smell good.
Migel writes of the following events:
The year is 2035. The entire border between the U.S. and Mexico has been paved with asphalt so people don’t slip as they run cross. All illegal aliens in the U.S. have been granted amnesty and a subscription to Telemundo. The official language of the U.S. is Spanish. Mexico’s population is 35.
Obamacare requires insurance companies to cover children up until the age of 64, as long as they live with their parents and their mother still does their laundry. A “pre-existing condition” is now defined as a condition that existed before you existed. What this means is that all out-of-pocket expenses paid by your parents and grandparents for their own medical problems, you now get reimbursed for. And this all works out well. Every family has three cars, six servants, a horse stable, and insurance company executives live in homeless shelters.
Dennis Rodman and Kim Jong-un, supreme leader of North Korea, embark on a joint venture. They’ll be manufacturing detachable mops that can be used as a Kim Jong-un wig that doesn’t fly off when playing basketball.
The International Court of Justice moves from the Hague to the Bronx. In their first session they condemn New York City cops for occupying Brooklyn.
ISIS runs the U.N.’s Human Rights Council and declares that killing a terrorist is a crime against humanity.
The U.S. military has been reduced to a small fraction of what it used to be back in 2014. It loses many men in combat in a war with Denmark. The U.S. is outgunned and outnumbered. Denmark’s army consists of 500 well-armed soldiers, it’s navy has three rowboats with mounted shotguns and it’s air force consists of five cropdusters that can drop 78 cherry bombs a minute. The U.S. doesn’t stand a chance.
Israel finally agrees to give up all the land demanded by Hamas. Hamas builds more tunnels with the help of Iran’s biggest contractor, “Jihad Construction, Roofing and Waterproofing,” and completes the project under budget by taking advantage of the construction company’s semi-annual “Buy cement for one tunnel, get cement for another tunnel free” sale.
Hamas is invited to the U.S. to help New York City complete its never-ending subway projects. Hamas responds, “Can not do. Not have enough cement for tunnel from New York to Israel.”
In light of its land gain, Hamas now demands that Israel roll back its borders to the pre-Egyptian-bondage lines. Israel responds that it’s willing to comply as soon as it figures out how to split the Red Sea again.
Evolutionists are dealt a big blow when a book that disproves the theory of evolution, “Fossils Make A Monkey Out Of Evolution,” reaches one billion in sales on Amazon. In response, evolutionists claim they can prove that if you incubate a bunch of worms in a solution of amino acids and carbon compounds they will eventually evolve into the Long Island Railroad. And they bolster their claim by recounting an experiment that showed that a worm’s cell magnified eight billion times has a remarkable resemblance to a train window.
Migel Nostrildamous writes that his nose was getting a little stuffed and he was having a hard time smelling any further future events. But he promises to make more predictions as soon as his sinus clears up.